Letters to Parade: Special Portland, Oregon Edition

I don't know how many of you have visited Portland, Oregon recently, but, provided the sun is shining (and I get that that is a large proviso), the city really is quite lovely. When it rains, the city looks vaguely like wet granite, which is okay if you're simply there to go to my friend Jim's strip club, or to hang out inside Powell's, or even if you're simply in town to get a Screamer at Coffee People. I've spent a lot of time in Portland over the years and have nothing but nice things to say about the place, (provided I'm not also forced to talk about my now dead dad, who lived there for a time), so it was with great alarm this morning that I noted how many people in the city are turning to Walter Scott's Personality Parade for answers to life's most troubling questions. Two people from Portland have their questions answered this week -- Jenny Moore and Lisa Duncan -- which is fairly astonishing considering Walter only "answered" nine questions this week.

So, in celebration of the Rose City, let's see what Ms. Moore and Ms. Duncan are so deeply troubled by that they must step away from the Ouija board long enough to fire an email off to Walter Scott.

Ms. Moore asks:

I hear Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are selling their Manhattan apartment. Are they quitting NYU?

Jenny Moore of Portland, Oregon, I pray you are 13 years old. If you are older than that, and I have sneaking suspicion that you are because not even 13 year olds give a shit about the Olsens anymore, then you have to ask yourself some important questions. Why do you care about the Olsen twins? Why do you care if they quit NYU? Why did you hear the news about them selling their apartment (and, with the housing market in NY at an all time high, and their careers at an all time low, why wouldn't they sell) and immediately decide you must learn the dark and awful truth about the situation? Why, Jenny Moore of Portland, Oregon, aren't you more concerned about poor John Stamos, what with his eternal search for love and the middling sense that he needs those damn moppet twins if he's ever going to succeed again on TV? Jenny Moore of Portland, Oregon, I hate to say it: you're a fucktard. Now, on to Walter's response:

No. The twins, 18, finish their freshman year this month and plan to return to NYU next fall. What changed are their plans to renovate their $7.3 million, 6000-square-foot penthouse. They decided it was "too big." Instead, they rented separate digs and are seeking separate roles in films.

As a homeowner and an anorexic twin, I know what they are going through. After a year or so in my new home, I too realized it was too big, especially after my weight dropped to 37 pounds and the world seemed to swallow me whole with every step I took. Of course, when I was 18 my net worth was derived from Pell Grants and loose change I stole from my fraternity brothers, so there you go. 

Ms. Duncan, who I imagine is sitting at home right now watching Tivo'd Soap Channel repeats of Guiding Light from 1986, asks:

Soap star Jed Allan left Port Charles, then joined General Hospital. What was he up to between acting gigs?

Lisa Duncan of Portland, Oregon, you should thank god on bended knee that Jenny Moore of Portland, Oregon is alive and well and asking dumb questions about the Olsen twins, or else, well, you'd be alone in my mockery today. As it stands, you are a fucktard as well, but perhaps not so egregious of one as Ms. Moore because, well, what was Jed Allan doing? Here's a few guesses from my end:

Blow drying his hair?

Perming his hair?

Wondering how the fuck he ended up in this picture?

Banging all three of these hotties?

Turns out I'm wrong on all accounts. You see, as Walter Scott points out, Jed was cashing in on his, uh, celebrity, by dabbing his perm into the world of publishing:

Allan, 68, spent six months writing his autobiography, Please Spell The Name Right: A Memoir From A Former Young Stud...Now An Old One, which was published in January. "It was time to reveal the highs and lows of my four decades on Broadway, on TV and in films," he tells us.

First, Ms. Duncan, I've already checked: the book is available through Powell's at their Quimby Warehouse. Here's a link for you. Second, if you're not inspired to buy the book simply because it is Jed Allan's life story of being a stud, you might be moved by this blurb:

Gavin McCloud--Love Boat
"Touching, tough and true. Makes you feel like you know him. I do, and I'm grateful for it."

Odd, since I thought Gavin McCloud was dead, but moving no less. (Note to self: see if Gopher is available to blurb Simplify...or maybe that little tart Julie...) Six months is a long time to spend on self-examination, so I'm sure that Jed's book is pretty interesting. Of course, upon taking a look at his publisher's website (a publisher who, it should be noted, is housed approximately one mile from my home, which is odd since, uh, I've never heard of it) this great time and depth is all part of a general master plan:

We prefer works under 250 double-spaced pages. The reason? Book sellers provide publishers limited shelf space, and would prefer to offer two books from the publisher in that shelf space rather than one longer book. It gives them twice the opportunity for a sale. Also, shorter books keep our cost to print and the price of the book down, and that helps sell it to the book buyer.

The length of Jed's book? 208 pages. Price? $24. Uh-huh.

Comments

[The Evil J Winter]

Didn't your brother blog about that publisher at some point? Or is planning to? 'Cuz that sounds like the pitch I got from PublishAmerica (which got tossed in the recycle bin with the annoying emails from XLibris).

[Tod Goldberg]

He hasn't, but maybe he should. It appears they're publishers & literary agents. And charge $175 up front for office fees, too. Preditors and Editors have them on their avoid list...Interesting.

[Lee Goldberg]

I think you should investigate them, Tod. They are right next door, after all. I checked out their site and some of their books... love the one about the detective who is a dead ringer for Wilford Brimley. Only a Palm Springs publisher would be enticed by that.

[Anea]

Living in Portland, as I do, I am also concerned with the spate of writing to Walter Scott... but honestly I shouldn't be surpised. Portland is a fun town, and those Screamer shakes do kick ass - especially when purchased en-route to Powell's. However, I did also have the misfortune of waiting tables in some of our more fantabulous suburbs a few years back (during the deepest depths of the tech "down-turn")and came to my usual waitress conclusion that some people are profoundly stupid and Portland has it's fair share.
Thanks by the way for the comments on the Olsen twins, those chicks freak me out. The only thing that scares me more is that people actually seem to give a shit about where they live, what they eat, who they fuck etc.

[TEV]

Could be wrong on this, but wasn't it Gavin McLeod? (I sorta watched ALOT of Love Boat growing up ... )

[Tod Goldberg]

Actually, Mark, it's MaCleod -- worse, though, is that I got that blurb right off the publisher's promotional materials. Maybe all that hairspray got in the copy editor's eyes...

[Dean]

If you follow the publisher's reasons for wanting books to be 200 pages, you'll quickly realize that it would be even better if they were 150 pages. 100 pages would be better yet, and 1 page would be superlative. You'd get a buttload of 1-page books onto a little tiny space on a shelf.

If you follow this line of reasoning all the way to its logical conclusion, you will be forced to conclude that the best book is one of zero length with infinite price.

I'm not sure what that proves, though.