Letters to Parade

After a one week hiatus to enjoy the more literary side of life, I return to you, my wretched princess Parade, and I find you as fetid and as awful as ever. You can go home again. There is much to choose from today in Walter Scott's Personality Parade -- a question about Jesse Jackson, a query on the disposition of Johnny Carson's corpse, an inevitable question about the new actress on Law & Order (I admit to you now: I've seen, in my life, maybe a dozen episodes of Law & Order) and the obligatory "What's going on with X grade B actor, musician, preacher?" only to find that they have a new movie, album or conversation with God coming out this month. So I buck the expected and take a trip down the chocolate supa highway of asstastic news regarding Ben Affleck.

Laura D. of Minneapolis, MN asks:

Ben Affleck has had one flop after another -- Gigli, Jersey Girl, Surviving Christmas. What can he possible do for a comeback?

A few weeks ago, someone asked a similar question regarding Mariah Carey and Walter Scott, who apparently is actually Otto Penzler in drag, responded that she needed to find a more compelling man. Really. He said that. It isn't such an easy answer as it relates to Affleck, because, really, he has made shit movies his entire career. Let's take a quick look at his IMDB, shall we?
Surviving Christmas (2004) .... Drew Latham: Awful

Jersey Girl (2004) .... Ollie Trinke: Awful

Paycheck (2003) .... Michael Jennings: Awful, but mildly entertaining in the way bad sci-fi often is.

Gigli (2003) .... Larry Gigli: Awful

Daredevil (2003) .... Matt Murdock/Daredevil: Christ, it was terrible.

The Third Wheel (2002/I) .... Michael: I have no idea what this is, but my sense is that it sucked ass.

The Sum of All Fears (2002) .... Jack Ryan: Um, well, I guess Harrison Ford was too old and didn't want to act in a film as moronic as this.

Changing Lanes (2002) .... Gavin Banek: Moderately good, if only in the 2am on Cinemax sense.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) .... Holden McNeil/Himself: Sweet Jesus, why did I pay to see this?

Daddy and Them (2001) .... Lawrence Bowen: I'm guessing this is gay porn.

Pearl Harbor (2001) .... Capt. Rafe McCawley: On the upside, it launched Josh Hartnett...

Bounce (2000) .... Buddy Amaral: Awful, awful, awful and then a bit more awful just for fun.

Reindeer Games (2000) .... Rudy Duncan: After this, he should have known not to make any movies that have the slightest connection to Christmas.

Boiler Room (2000) .... Jim Young: Not bad, not good.

Dogma (1999) .... Bartleby: There is one good line in this: "Whose house is it? Run's house." Sadly, Matt Damon says it.

Forces of Nature (1999) .... Ben Holmes: Passable, if only because Sandra Bullock is pretty hot in it.

200 Cigarettes (1999) .... Bartender: Terrible movie, good soundtrack (note to self: never see movies with Martha Plimpton in a prominent role).

Shakespeare in Love (1998) .... Ned Alleyn: At last, a good film, notable because Ben plays a supporting role.

Armageddon (1998) .... A.J. Frost: There's an asteroid crashing through space and the only person who can stop it is on an oil rig in the South China Sea. And Ben Affleck is fucking his daughter.

Phantoms (1998) .... Sheriff Bryce Hammond: Holy god, if you've never seen this abortion, you should. Peter O'Toole is in it, too. It is so bad, it makes Event Horizon look like Schindler's List.

Good Will Hunting (1997) .... Chuckie Sullivan: Good then, but have you watched it recently?

Office Killer (1997) (scenes deleted) .... Man in Office: Never heard of it -- the fact that his scenes were deleted prior to opening...well, let's just give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Chasing Amy (1997) .... Holden McNeil: Fantastic. Really. Absolutely love this film. Brilliant. The best Kevin Smith ever did.

Going All the Way (1997) .... Tom 'Gunner' Casselman: No say.

Glory Daze (1996) .... Jack: The sequel, Glory Hole, was an instant classic.

Mallrats (1995) .... Shannon Hamilton: Prior to everything he's done since Chasing Amy, this was the worst Kevin Smith movie.

Dazed and Confused (1993) .... Fred O'Bannion: Great movie...don't remember him in it at all.

School Ties (1992) .... Chesty Smith: Any movie about a Jewish QB is a winner in my book...but again, have no memory of his role in this.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992) (uncredited) .... Basketball Player #10: Helluva jump shot.

(The next obvious question is why I have seen most of these films, and all I can say is that sometimes, late at night, I find Ben Affleck comforting and he works as a fine sleep aid.) Basically, Ben Affleck has always sucked. Or, he's been in movies that have sucked. He's always seemed a fair enough actor to me -- not very expressive or interesting, but nice in the way Levar Burton is, but by no means our next Pacino (who pretty much sucks lately, too). Let's see what Walter says about the situation:

Affleck, 32, will direct his first feature film, Gone, Baby, Gone, based on a Dennis Lehane novel about a pair of private eyes searching for a kidnapped child. Set in Boston, it will mark Ben's return to his roots. He also wrote the screenplay -- his first since he and Matt Damon penned their 1997 Oscar-winning script for Good Will Hunting. Wisely, he's chosen not to act in the film.

I'm a Dennis Lehane fan so thank god someone was able to get a guy from Boston to do this film...someone going back to his roots...someone who is gritty and understands the dark side of human nature...someone who won an Oscar for a screenplay that, in retrospect, reads like a series of cliches so obvious and tortured that you wonder how the fuck it won the Academy Award. Someone who needs a vanity project to boost a career trajectory that has long since spiraled downward. Which, I guess, is what Walter meant when he said "Wisely." But never let Walter Scott make your career choices, I say, so let me give Ben some advice: Why don't you read the scripts before you say yes to the paycheck? You'll thank me later on.

Comments

[Clair Lamb]

Can't even tell you how cold my blood ran when I first saw this project announced. I love Lehane's books with foolish passion, GONE BABY GONE is my favorite book in that series, and I could have sworn Lehane had given an interview saying he didn't want to sell Patrick and Angela to the movies... but hey, maybe he was just trying to help a brother out. We can only hope for the best.

[David J. Montgomery]

It's hard to imagine how the film could be worse than the books. In all likelihood, it will improve them.

[Karen]

There's also Project Greenlight. No acting role there, of course, but someone has to step up and take responsibility for the shockingly lame scripts they produced.

[The Evil J Winter]

When I first heard about this originally, it was supposed to be a Bennifer (Lopez) project. That's the worst thing they could have done for that book.

I have a feeling, though, Ben's acting career will follow that of Ron Howard.

Or Anson Williams.

In either case, I think he's pretty much done as an actor, at least in leading roles.

[Keith]

We just got DirecTV, and I caught a few episodes of PROJECT GREENLIGHT today.

Affleck seems like a sensible enough guy, but why doesn't he wash his hair? Is this some new L.A. thing that happened after I left? Do I have to set this right?

[Bryon]

Alright, I've got to stand up for the guy. I like Ben Affleck. Yes, some of his movies have been utter shit. But I liked him in a bunch of his roles and I loved him in Daredevil and Jersey Girl is one of my favorite movies. He's just an enjoyable guy to watch. And frankly, I think he'll do a good job with "Gone." Mark my words BABY!

[Jeremy Padow]

He was great in Dazed and Confused. He was the guy who was held back a year, just so he could beat up freshmen.