141 Were Faster Than He, But Irving Was Looking For 143

The lovely and talented HelenKay alerts the world that Writer's Digest has released it's annual 101 Best Websites for Writers, which I always find odd, considering I think of Writer's Digest as being one of the top 3 Worst Magazines For Writers. Any magazine which purports to be "for" writers,  yet accepts advertising from scam agents and sleazy publishers and regularly provides some of the worst advice imaginable for aspiring writers is doing no one any favors. (Which begs the question, if it's so shitty, why do I know so much about their content? The answer: Hey, I get birthday presents, too, you know.) Needless to say, their 101 websites mirror their excellent quality control standards. Viewing many of them is like time traveling back to 1996: dozens of static websites devoted to self-publishing, reviews of self-published books, hackneyed lists of advice provided by writers who've never published (my favorite is this one -- specifically her list of 50 character profile questions to help you create better characters. EX: What kind of car do they drive or would like to drive? Style of dress? Favorite clothes?), and...something called the Long Ridge Writer's Group, which appears to be a sort of online writing workshop that requires applicants to fill out an aptitude exam prior to being accepted into the program. I'm all for pre-requisites, so I checked it out:

Yes, we're different. We aim higher. Our goal is to teach qualified people how to write for publication and how to sell their writing.

So, in order to find people who are qualified to enroll in our program, we offer this free Writing Aptitude Test. We limit our enrollment strictly to those who pass it.

Okay, cool. Let’s see a sample question:

An essential task for any writer is careful observation. The people you write about must "come alive on the page." In this exercise, select the important details that distinguish the person you're describing. In 30-50 words, describe one of the following:

• a person in a long supermarket line with an inept clerk at the checkout counter
• a member of your family trying to deal with a cantankerous relative
• a person telling his/her spouse about a promotion

Tip: Look for facial expressions, gestures, body language, and clothing style; listen for voice inflections.

Example:
Bundled in a hairy overcoat, the man drummed his fingers on a box of oatmeal, tapped his feet, rolled his eyes, and set his lips in a thin straight line. Finally, he shrugged. Muttering something inaudible, he stomped off, abandoning his crammed shopping cart.

They've got plenty more "pre-qualifying" questions of a similar ilk. I have to wonder just how many people they reject each year, and if any of them go on to write the examples on the website. There are a few quality sites listed -- notably Preditors & Editors and a few very good agent research sites and some well-attended message boards and the like. But not a single, solitary blog. Not one. (Of course, they also use the word "e-zine" over and over again, too, which initially made me think I'd clicked on an archive from 1994...of course, the fact that several of the sites hadn't been updated in months also added to that feeling.) So while they have Romancing The Christian Heart (the front page of which announces that the site is now shuttered), they fail to list even an OG blog like Bookslut or Mobylives. Of course, if they really wanted to provide a service, they could have just tossed up a link to Poets & Writers and been done with it.

The fact is, Writer's Digest is to writing as Parade is to journalism and this list of websites only serves to illuminate that point.

*A special gift will be sent to first person (not in my family) to note the significance of the post's headline.

Comments

[seester Karen]

WITH A 10-GALLON YARMULKE ON HIS HEAD....

Awww, c'mon, why is the contest closed to relatives??? If no one else gets the prize, can I have it? Please? I NEVER win any of Linda's contests! Is it edible?

[Wendy Duren]

Big, dumb, dead, Irving.

[Tod Goldberg]

Even on the range he had two sets of dishes...

[Tanya]

I'm not clever enough to get the reference, but what is the special prize?

I almost applied for the Long Ridge Writer's Group. I guess I should thank procrastination for stopping me, huh? :)

I do, however, enjoy Writer's Digest. In particular, the little contests they do each month. Again, I'm not clever enough to actually send a response in, but I do enjoy reading others' responses.

[Anea]

Damn you! I am heading out for a road trip with Irving stuck in my head! There is no way that anyone in goyish alberta is going to have any concept as to why he always followed his mothers wishes.

[Anea]

Sweet, I just found it for download, now I will torment the others in my car with it :)

[Matt Forbeck]

"The Ballad of Irving," which you can find Dr. Demento's 20th Anniversary Collection!

[Scott]

A "hairy overcoat"? WTF?

And boy do they ever like to beat us over the head. One gesture to indicate boredom may have sufficed, but we get FOUR. Now that's service.

[booksquare]

Sigh. Anyone who is a regular attendee of the Tod Goldberg Three Hour Show on Monday nights knows the significance of the title. But thanks, have the song in my head too. And experience has shown that listening to NPR while sitting on the freeway does nothing to clear out earworms.

[the happy booker]

you're not alone, ms. booksquare. I'll be humming the Ballad of Irving all weekend now. thanks. not. thb

[your anonymous phone pal]

Tod,

A confession:

I clicked onto the "Romancing the Christian Heart" page, and...well, the fact is I jerked off to one of the short stories. There. I feel cleansed now.

Sign me

"Mr. Brandewyne"

[Dean]

"Mr. Brandewyne":

Ewww.

yer pal,
Dean

[Walkinbird]

If you want to time travel back to 1986, be my guest and sign up for Long Ridge Writers Group. That's about the year I snail mailed in a reply to one of their aptitude tests. I continue to get correspondence (at least quarterly) proclaiming, This is goodbye if you don't reply! Not to devalue my own talents - I think they accept everybody. They would even train up Irving - The 142nd fastest gun...in the West.