Dig If You Will The Picture

I have to get a new author photo for my upcoming book and so I've been pondering how I want to look. For my last two books, I used the same photo. This one:

  Nice photo. Nice turtleneck. Nice "I'm a first time novelist and I am very somber" pose. Nice ten (okay, fifteen...okay, fine, twenty) pound difference from the actual Tod (Metabolife, incidentally, fucking rocked). So, in the process of trying to figure out how best to appear for my third book, I've run across the very disturbing trend of authors trying to either look like their characters, or, worse, authors looking like strung out real estate agents. For your viewing pleasure, here are a few notably bad author photos I found:

Granted, this author writes sci-fi fantasy, but are we to believe that she spends her days lounging on gargoyles amidst scented candles? Couldn't she just, you know, be sitting in a chair?

Two words: Gun porn. Though I do like the noir/real estate agent thing writer Joyce Spizer has working, I'm a little turned off by the very real fear she might blow her fucking head off. (Her hair would remain intact, I'm sure.)

Okay, he's Stephen King. He can do whatever he wants. But what's with the finger on the side of his head whilst his face is hidden Phantom of the Opera-style by his collar? You want an honest vision of the author? How about a picture of Stephen sitting on a stack of $50s.

Can you guess what Richard Picciotto does from 9-5?

Care to hazard a guess about the subject of author James Filegar's book?

I loved Girl With A Pearl Earring (or, well, I tell people I loved it, but I've never actually read it), but in this photo author Tracy Chevalier seems to be suffering some kind of dandruff-related neck pain. Either that or she is one-half of a Siamese twin combo connected at the shoulder.

Do you know what Tom Clancy did before he was Tom Clancy? Special Ops for the CIA? Nope. Sub Commander? No again. Army Ranger? Look, let's stop this. He sold insurance.

I used to be a big fan of Robert B. Parker. I still am a fan of him, really, its just that I don't care for his most recent (as in, fifteen) Spenser novels. But never mind that. What really irks me are author photos where the author takes on the persona of the character he or she writes about. Like, say, Robert B. Parker as Spenser.

Yes, that is a man in a dumb hat doing something to a pachyderm. That man is author Brian Keating

.

Love Sherman Alexie. Love his books, his short stories, his poems and his films. But dude. Come on.

Finally, a picture I approve of. Dessarae Bradford, author of the touching memoir I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass.

Comments

[Sarah]

Here's another idea: if you were to be Ettlingered, how would you look?

[Jim Winter]

Tod, you can always cop my original author photo, which can be found here...

http://www.plotswithguns.com/Just%20Like%20Suicide.htm

Kinda says it all, doesn't it?

[Dave B.]

I just found a picture of you & Calvin. I think it'll work.

[David J. Montgomery]

"Dessarae Bradford, author of the touching memoir I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass."

I read that! The sequel is even better, though: I Gave Steven Seagal a Grumpy Munchkin.

[Anea]

As long as your next picture doesn't come from glamour shots you will be fine :) Or go with the one from your soccer trading card, that is about how old the pics of my dad are on his books :)

[GGJ]

My question is this: why do I read your blog every day? I think this is my favorite blog. Is that pathetic? I'm gonna have to pick up one or your books, or something. They any good?

[David J. Montgomery]

"They any good?"

Thomas Perry, a wonderful writer, called Tod's Living Dead Girl one of his top 5 favorites of the books he read in 2004.

He described it as "Probably the most skillful and unusual piece of crime fiction by a young writer I've read in years."

http://www.mysteryinkonline.com/2005/01/top_five_favori.html

I suppose that means I should read it, too...

[Kristy]

I'm glad you brought it up. I have that trading card. Signed. If you switch photo's it'll now be worth something. I say...go for it. ;-)

[Kristy]

p.s.

quit stealing your titles from the artist formerly known as Prince

[James C. Hess]

How about taking a photograph of your reflection?

Artsy-fartsy, and just plain damn weird. And you can put your gun barrel up your nose, just like Stephen King, or Robert P. Parker, or whomever.

[Anea]

Damn You! Every time I check your blog to see if there are new posts... I get "When Doves Cry" stuck in my head all over again! :)I think you should dress as Prince for your next book, even during the writing process.

[Phlox]

HA!!! That was hilarious!

[Tod Goldberg]

The one photo I could not find and then was to lazy to set up my scanner to actually create for y'all is of...my brother. On the back of his novel My Gun Has Bullets, Lee is posed with his dearly departed dog Murphy in a photo that can only be decribed as...wrong, verging on....well...totally wrong. So if anyone happens to have that pic handy, do send it on...

[Lee Goldberg]

Of course it was awful, I did that photo as a joke...remember? One of the big gags in the book revolved around a plot to kidnap an insane celebrity dog...and there was a character who tried to hide his baldness with Golden Retriever hair implants. When I get back from my road trip, I'll email the photo to you.

[John Krill]

Why not use a picture of your brother.

[realitysuxxxx]

I HAVE SOME GOSSIP ABOUT CORY BERSTEIN VERSACE MODEL- I CAUGHT HIM KISSING AND MAKING OUT AT A HOTEL LOUNGE IN CHICAGO THURSDAY NIGHT WITH THAT GIRL DESSARAE BRADFORD THAT'S SUING COLIN FARRELL! I WALKED OVER TO CORY AND ASKED HIM IF HE WAS CORY THE MODEL AND HE SAID YES I EVEN TOOK THE TWOS PICTURE AS THEY HUGGED CLOSE WITH THEIR LIPS TOUCHING FOR THE SHOT. DESIREE TOLD ME THAT SHE'S GOING TO SUE COLIN FARRELL'S BALLS OFF IN COURT AND THAT SHE IS SUING HIM FOR $10,000,000 FOR HER PROBLEMS WITH COLIN FARRELL AND I ASKED CORY IF HE AND DESIREE ARE DATING AND HE SAID YES THEY ARE. DESIREE LAUGHED AGREEING AND SAID THAT HER AND CORY ARE ALSO GOING HOME TOGETHER SOON THAT NIGHT TO "FUCK REAL HARD!" WOW

[Joyce Spizer Foy]

Good morning big guy. I sincerely appreciate your comments about my big hair and my Lady Beretta. The hair, over time, has changed to gray, to white, and now back to thin, flat against my head, and blonde. The gun, well, I'm living in Dallas, Texas, now and shoot better than ever. I miss you and the CV more than ever.